Dealing With Guilt or Regret After Bereavement

Dealing With Guilt or Regret After Bereavement.pdf

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Practical ideas for easing painful thoughts and finding self-compassion

After losing someone you love, it’s common to replay memories and wonder if you could have done more.

Thoughts such as “I should have visited sooner” or “I wish I’d said something different” can cause deep guilt or regret.

These feelings are part of grief, but they don’t have to define your relationship with the person you’ve lost.

• Understand why guilt appears

  • When we lose someone, our minds often search for reasons and unfinished details. Guilt gives the illusion of control — as if finding fault in ourselves might somehow change what happened. Recognising this helps you see guilt as a natural but misplaced response to loss, not a sign of wrongdoing.

• Acknowledge what cannot be changed

  • It’s normal to wish events had unfolded differently, but the past is fixed. Try to remind yourself that you acted with the knowledge, energy, and circumstances you had at the time. Hindsight can make decisions look clearer than they ever were in the moment.

• Separate facts from feelings

  • Feelings of guilt are real, but they don’t always reflect truth. You may feel responsible for something that was beyond your control. When these thoughts appear, ask gently: “Is this a fact, or is it my sadness speaking?” This helps reduce the emotional hold guilt can have.

• Talk about what troubles you

  • Sharing regrets aloud can bring relief. Speak with a trusted friend, family member, or counsellor about what’s weighing on you. Saying things out loud often softens their power and allows a more balanced view to emerge.

• Focus on your intentions, not perfection

  • Most relationships have moments of misunderstanding or tension. What matters most is the care and meaning shared over time, not every individual word or decision. Remind yourself of the love, kindness, or effort you gave — even if it feels small.

• Create a gesture of forgiveness

  • If guilt still feels heavy, consider writing a letter to the person who died. Express what you wish you’d said and what you want them to know now. You can keep it private, read it aloud, or release it symbolically by tearing or burying it. This can help you move toward forgiveness and peace.

• Look after your wellbeing

  • Guilt can drain energy and lead to exhaustion. Make time to rest, eat, and do something soothing each day. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean forgetting; it means honouring both your grief and your life.

• Reflection questions

  • What thoughts of guilt or regret come up most often for me?

  • What would I say to a friend feeling the same way?

  • What helped me show care or love, even if it didn’t feel perfect?

• If guilt feels overwhelming

  • If guilt or regret make daily life difficult or lead to constant self-blame, talk to your GP or a counsellor. Compassionate support can help you see your experience more kindly and begin to let go of self-punishing thoughts.

• You’re not alone

  • Many people feel guilt after bereavement, but these feelings usually ease as understanding grows. With time and support, you can learn to forgive yourself and remember your loved one with gentleness rather than pain.

If you’d like to explore how professional support can help with emotional wellbeing in later life, click to visit the Counselling for Older People page.